I’ll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I’ll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won’t judge it
and there are no strings attached to it

Despite being surrounded by Alanis music beginning in junior high, I didn’t really begin to dive into it until Under Rug Swept.  This album was released mid-way through my freshman year of college and completely took over my life.  This grew into a full-fledged obsession with Alanis and all her previous albums.  While I definitely understand why Jagged Little Pill is considered a “better” album, Under Rug Swept will always be the first one that spoke to me.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

“You Owe Me Nothing In Return” is not my favorite song from this album, but it is the one that I have spent the most time with.  I hung the lyrics on my bedroom wall and they remained there for most of college. The words of this song captivate me. I have written about them, argued with friends about them, and looked at them from every angle. 

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I’ll understand it
and there are no strings attached to it

Since hearing this song, I have believed that it described a type of love that I should strive to be able to give another person. I still believe that this is the case. For so many years, however, I saw my inability to do so as a failure on my part.  More recently, I’ve realized that before aspiring to love someone the way this song talks about, you have to find someone worthy of it.  It sounds so cliche when I write it, but it really was an epiphany. 

I bet you’re wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you’re wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

Trying to behave the way described in this song with someone who will take advantage of it is dysfunctional and maladaptive. The goal, then, must be to offer gradations of this type of love while getting to know someone and learning whether they are trustworthy. It also must somehow be determined if they will reciprocate this selfless approach to human interaction and love.  Ideally, the following things will occur somewhat simultaneously: you will realize that they have acted honorably and in a way that is worthy of your trust and you will feel a drive to give them nothing but your best. 

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I’ll lose you and I’ll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I’ll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I’ll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I’ll hold it
and there are no strings attached

What I admire about the message of this song is that it is about loving someone beyond the bounds of a relationship or any other socially-defined structure. It’s not about being together. It’s about knowing someone so intimately that you are driven by seeing them reach their dreams, regardless of the implications for yourself or the two of you as a unit.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return 

I want to hold myself to this standard. More difficult is demanding this standard from others.